Why Many Men Don’t Fully Enjoy Intimacy

Have you ever wondered why you seem to have no success in matters of intimacy? Why your moments of intimacy are empty of the connection they’re supposed to physicalize? Or why you’re often in moments of intimacy with the body, but not with the mind?

An example are couples in restaurants sharing a meal in silence, not even sharing eye contact, or being on their phones. And I’m sure your attention has wandered while talking to someone or trying to focus on something. We suddenly realize that we aren’t focusing and bring ourselves back to the moment – or not. We also immediately notice when someone isn’t really present with us. They’re thinking about something else, looking at something other than us. And sometimes we find it hard to come back to the present moment and let go of what had dragged our attention away…

The answer is simple: you are where your attention is, not where your body is. The consequences of where your attention goes are immense. Your attention is the foundation of whether communication, trust, intimacy, and love are possible and the quality at which they are available. Attention shapes your presence. Another huge impact of your attention is your capacity for connecting. To connect you must pay attention and be present in the moment.

We all hanker connection as we are social creatures. High class companionship is based exactly on this principle. Men who visit companions don’t buy sex. They buy connection. And sex is a physicalization of connection. Connection is abstract, hence we can’t touch it. So if the connection is good, we sometimes physicalize it through sex. Communication is based on connecting. Love, friendship, companionship, good communication, teamwork, belonging, loyalty, trust, intimacy, and having a sense of being at home in life all require connection.

disconnection shows up as distrust, lack of commitment or ownership, lack of listening, care, value, respect, satisfaction, and miscoordination. So what does it mean to be fully present? We cannot be fully connected to someone if we are not connected to ourselves, our bodies, and the present moment. And without connecting relationships turn into sour loneliness, communication turns into a ping pong of information and assessments, and intimacy turns into a collection of mechanical movements.

Yet with all these astounding consequences to our attention we [in the West] live in a culture which does not train us to pay attention to our attention. Our attention wanders and we are assaulted with opportunities to have our attention captured by novelty, media, technology, drugs, stimulants, gossip, and sex. We live in constant stimulation to take our attention away from us. The Western culture elevates cognitive skill as the dominant mode of knowing and being. Yet when we go fully into thought, we disconnect from others, the moment, our bodies, emotions, and selves.

In the Western culture sharing life is an exercise in what we sometimes call leadership. The greatest challenge of leadership is not in understanding what it is, but in embodying it. And the greatest challenge of leadership, relationship, intimacy, and life is to be fully awake, aware, and attentive to the present moment. Awareness creates choice and choice is an exercise of attention and connection. We connect to what we attend to. This is a skill that grows with practice in paying attention to our attention, presence, connection, and the quality of what we produce in our connections.

This is where life, relationship, intimacy, and taking care happens, and where we create the future we share with others. Where are you? You’re where your attention has taken you, with or without your choice. Remember this especially during your moments of intimacy. After all, if you’re not to be fully in them, why pay for them?

And if this lesson resonates with you because your attention wanders more often than you’d like, let’s sharpen your focus together!