Where Are You When It’s Time for Intimacy?
Have you ever wondered why you seem to have no success in connecting with women intimately? Why your moments of intimacy are empty of the connection they’re supposed to physicalise?
It’s funny how we can be next to someone, but not be with them. It makes me sad to see couples in restaurants sharing a meal in silence, not even sharing eye contact. And I’m sure you have experienced having your attention wander when interacting with someone or trying to focus on something. We suddenly realize we aren’t focused and bring ourselves back to the moment – or not. We also notice immediately when someone isn’t really present with us. They’re thinking about something else, looking at their cell phone, or at something other than us. And sometimes we find it hard to come back to the present moment and let go of what had dragged our attention away from the moment…
Where are you? The answer is simple: you are where your attention is, not where your body is. The consequences of where your attention goes are immense. Your attention is the foundation of whether communication, trust, coordination, and love are possible and the quality at which they are available. Attention shapes your presence whether you are “in attendance” or not. Another huge impact of your attention is your capacity for connection or disconnection. In order to connect you must bring your attention and be present in the moment. We all hanker connection, we are social creatures. Communication is based on “communing,” connecting. Love, friendship, effective communication, teamwork, belonging, loyalty, trust, intimacy, and having a sense of being at home in life all require connection.
In the world of action disconnection shows up as distrust, lack of commitment or ownership, lack of listening, lack of care, lack of value, lack of respect, and lack of satisfaction, as well as miscoordination. So what does it mean to engage in full presence? We cannot be fully connected to someone if we are not connected to ourselves, to our body, and to the present moment. And without connection relationship turns into sour loneliness, communication turns into a ping pong of information and assessments, and coordination turns into pushing and manipulating. Yet with all these astounding consequences to our attention we [in the West] live in a culture where we are not trained to pay attention to our attention. Our attention wanders and in the current age we are assaulted with opportunities to have our attention captured with novelty, media, technology, drugs, stimulants, reality TV, and gossip. We live in an era of constant stimulation to take our attention away from us. We [in the West] live in a culture that has elevated cognitive skill as the dominant mode of knowing and being. Yet when we go fully into thought, we disconnect from others, the moment, our bodies, emotions, and selves.
In the Western culture sharing life is an exercise in what we sometimes call “leadership”. The greatest challenge of leadership is not in understanding what it is, but in embodying it. And the greatest challenge of leadership, relationship, and life is to be fully awake, aware, and attending to the present moment. Awareness creates choice and choice is an exercise of attention and connection. We connect to what we attend to. This is a skill that grows with practice in paying attention to our attention, presence, and connection, and to the quality of what we produce in our connections. This is where life, relationship, action, and taking care happens, and where we create the future we share with others. Where are you? You’re where your attention has taken you, with or without your choice. Remember this especially during your moments of intimacy!
And if this lesson resonates with you because your attention wanders away from you more often than you’d like, get some good coaching on it!
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